Going Postal

The Hubble space telescope was infested with giant wormy things, and it was up to Hogan to sort it out. The only problem was, he wasn’t an astronaut or engineer, he was a postal carrier. When he saw on the news that the telescope was compromised, it wrenched his heart. His father used to show him pictures sent back to earth, and they would talk about the mysteries of space. On his deathbed, his father had asked him to keep on pondering the universe through the amazing pictures of space. Hogan decided that it was up to him to kill the wormy things if the government wasn’t going to do anything about it.

Hogan used a bunch of rubber bands from the post office to construct a spaceship. It was pretty shitty because he wasn’t an engineer. Somehow it worked though, maybe because it was his destiny to go to space.

Well, he got on up into orbit and tracked down Hubble. He put on his rubberband space suit and ejected himself into the wide expanse. He could see the wormy things crawling all over the telescope.

He started shooting at them with rubber bands but that didn’t really do anything. Fresh out of ideas he decided he would just beat the shit out of them.

Laying on fist punch after fist punch, Hogan smacked those wormy ass things like he was going out of business.

The worms died eventually from being beaten so bad. Like he really fuckin hurt those things. To the point where it was like, ‘Man, this guy’s got some real issues with rage’.

Hogan was getting hungry from all the shitkicking he did, so he decided to see if the wormys tasted any good. He cut one of those suckers wide open to see what kind of meat they had.

Wouldn’t you know it there was an envelope inside. It was pretty fuckin gross though, like you can’t just put a fricken paper envelope inside something’s flesh without it getting moldy and gross.

Anyways Hogan opened the dirty ass envelope and read the stinky old letter inside.

“Dear Hogan. I put some worms on the Hubble space telescope when it was being built. By the time they’re big enough to start wrecking shit up, I’ll be dead. I know you’ll take it upon yourself to save the telescope. I always wanted you to experience space. So here you are! Signed, Hogan’s dad.”

Hogan fist bumped the envelope and yelled: “Fuck yeah I’m in space!”

Then he beat the shit out of the dead worms a little more because he was fucked up like that. I mean, if your dad puts fuckin worms on a space telescope just so you go to space, you probably had a fricken messed up childhood.

Man of power, Man of conscience

Prince Zoltan watched as the millions of starfighters collided, a symphony of lights and explosions and death. From his deck on the starship Soliloquy, he could see the madness and the chaos. Sadly he had no sweeping hand over the situation, only a decision to make. He cried a thousand tears, pacing the sparsely furnished quarters, his head drooped and his face sullen.

Why don’t they love the way that I do? He thought.

Zoltan’s heart bled, cried out for the life extinguished in the name of valor and planetary control.

The door opened to his quarters, revealing the gentle sweeping silhouette of Princess Cinzia. Long golden legs shadowed by a black and silver dress tread on the grey tile of Zoltan’s room, a promenade of finesse and poise.

“My love,” Cinzia’s gentle voice cooed, “You are swelled with indecision. Yet still, the council awaits. I fear there is little time, and that you will have to make your choice with haste.”

Zoltan nodded. “So be it.”

 

*

 

The council, composed of old men of dignity, awaited the Prince’s appearance. Sitting in a semi-circle, surrounded by computer terminals with the Prince’s own chair in the center, they chattered amongst themselves.

“I have such profound pity for the man, surely it is hard for him to even breathe.”

“Still, he must move on from his melancholy. For days, even weeks, we have been without an answer.”

The doors to the council room, much more lavish and intricate than the personal space of the Prince, opened to reveal two figures of grace.

Members of the council felt a lingering sense of mystery as Zoltan walked to his chair, never before had they seen him with waves of uncertainty crashing over his face. Cinzia followed, placing a hand on Zoltan’s shoulder as he sat in the closest thing to a throne that existed in outer space.

Aldoon, the most brazen man in their company, directed himself at Zoltan and bowed his head.

“Your Excellency, we cannot wait even another hour for your decision. Please, cast away your doubt and give your orders.”

Zoltan’s mouth curved into a sneer, an expression never expressed before. A slight frown matched his narrowing eyelids as he looked on at the council. Finally, he spoke.

“Burn them.”

 

*

 

There are holes in a man’s soul, burnt by tribulation and the need for survival. Men of respect and of honor will be repeatedly shocked as they are forced down to their knees. The decisions they make are not only for themselves, they are the choices predetermined by the relevance of those that they love. World’s ravished may even understand the reasons why a seemingly good man would ravish them. Yet the question remains, what is right and what is wrong?

 

The people of Quasar Seven perished in an instant. The crew of the remaining ships in orbit would rave about the madness of a man who would quench an entire planet. Still, they would never know that the differences between their own leader and Prince Zoltan were few and far between.

Joe Lightning – Episode 3

3.

 

Joe Lightning rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he flicked on the coffee pot in the giant underground warehouse. He played around on the fancy computer terminal for a few minutes. Then he walked over to the sleeping bag set out on the floor against the wall and gave it a swift kick.

“Get your ass out of bed,” Joe said to the lumpy figure of Blue Shield.

“It’s five in the morning, Joe. What the fuck?” Blue Shield’s whiny, groggy voice replied.

“Look, I’m not doing the flowery speech about discipline. You’re not the fuckin’ karate kid. We get up at five and we go to work. That’s it.” Joe gave the lump another swift kick.

Blue Shield got up and rubbed his sore leg. He limped over to the coffee machine and poured himself some coffee.

“This coffee sucks.”

Joe glared at Blue Shield but didn’t say anything.

“Your stupid car seat won’t adjust by the way. I was sitting way back like an idiot.”

“You’re moody today,” Joe said, not being the first time in the last week he’d uttered those words. “Still having the nightmares?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Joe stared at Blue Shield for a second, deciding whether to slap him or just drop it.

“Joe, let’s just go. What did you see on the Robobrain today?”

“Three Rubbernecks are planning a bank robbery. They’re sitting in a car outside of the bank.”

Blue Shield turned pale, then clenched his fists as his whole bald head turned red and his eyebrows sunk to a dark scowl.

“Hey, what’s the problem man?” Joe said.

“Rubbernecks…” Blue Shield practically snorted air out of his nose as he grew more and more agitated.

Joe stared at Blue Shield and nodded. “Bobby?”

Blue Shield’s eyes welled up with water and a snot bubble blew out his nose. “Bobby…”

“Alright, we’re going to need the bazooka. My lightning won’t work on them because they’re too insulated.” Joe frowned and considered Blue Shield for a second. “Look, why don’t you sit this one out. I can’t have you getting emotional on me when we’re kicking ass.”

Blue Shield shook his head. “Let’s murder them.”

 

*

 

The El Camino pulled up a block away from the bank. Joe grabbed the bazooka out of the trunk, only to have Blue Shield yank it out of Joe’s hand and began running towards the bank. Joe put his fingers up to his eyes and shook his head before trailing behind, he knew this would happen.

The Rubbernecks were inside the bank now, tall black shiny things with a human shape but no mouth or eyes. Their heads lolled down to the side with no solid parts in their necks.

Blue Shield walked in and aimed the bazooka at the Rubberneck nearest the door.

“Everybody down!” Blue Shield yelled.

The crowd in the bank dropped to the floor. The bazooka fired at one of the rubbernecks. The missile stuck to the Rubberneck’s chest without exploding. The Rubberneck grabbed its head with its hands and pulled backward, stretching out its neck. Then it released, sending its head flying in Blue Shields direction.

Blue Shield put up his force field before he was hit by the freakish head with the elongated neck. The two other Rubberneck’s began repeatedly slingshotting their own heads on the shield, but every time they struck it there was a thud and no reaction in the shield. The Rubberneck with the missile in its chest pulled back its head and released at one of the people in the bank. The person’s skull imploded inward, crushing so severely that it forced brain matter out of the backside of their head.

“No!” Screamed Blue Shield. He couldn’t drop the shield to help without having his own head bashed in.

The Rubbernecks killed like ten people in three seconds, their heads flashing back and forth rapidly.

Joe came running up behind Blue Shield just as the force field dropped. Blue Shield let out a battle-cry and charged at the Rubbernecks. He got within 5 feet of them and put the shield back up. Only two were caught inside with him, the missile chested Rubberneck was still free.

Joe fired his revolver at missile chest, garnering its attention, though the rounds just simply stuck to the surface of its skin. It returned blows with its shiny black head. Joe did backflips and stunts and stuff just to avoid being hit by the bombardment.

Blue Shield faced the two Rubbernecks inside the shield. He pulled his slingshot out of his jacket pocket. One of them charged at him. He jumped over the top of it and slung the slingshot string around its neck. He pulled the thing close to himself so that he had it in a headlock and then dropped the force field.

“Joe, electrocute my slingshot!” Blue Shield yelled.

Without thinking about it Joe shot red lightning out of his hands into the slingshot. The string went to a thousand degrees hot and started melting through the neck of the Rubberneck. In seconds the head flopped off and the body crumpled to the ground. The force field went back up around Blue Shield and the other untouched Rubberneck.

Joe bounded and leaped his way to the vault, luring the missile chested Rubberneck there. He went through the door, turned to the left, and jumped up to the ceiling, clinging onto a hanging light. The Rubberneck followed him, entered the vault, and looked around confused. Joe hopped down from the ceiling and ran out of the room, closing the vault door to just a crack. He fired lightning at the missile on the Rubbernecks chest. The missile exploded in great fashion, leaving nothing but a stinky burnt rubber smell.

Blue shield took a blow to the stomach from the shiny black head of the Rubberneck. He was winded but that did not seem to stop his attack. He got up to boxing distance with the monster and began sparring with the flapping head. A hook here, a flying noggin there, it was mayhem for both of them. Blue Shield punched so fricken hard once that the thing finally fell to the ground. He didn’t stop though, he kept beating and smashing the thing with his fists. It turned lumpy and quit moving after a few minutes.

Joe watched through the blue and white orb, made no effort to break up the savage expression of hate.

Finally, Blue Shield had enough. He let down his forcefield and walked away from the mess of rubber that lay on the floor. He looked at Joe and began explaining himself.

“Those things killed Bobby-”

“I get it, kid. You needed this.”

Blue Shield nodded.

Joe Slapped him. “Next time we do this together. Look at all these dead ass people.”

Irrelevent

Crotchety old man Sanders put in his dentures, only to find that some of the teeth were missing. He tried to swear but the words sounded all messed up because of the missing teeth. He would have to go on an adventure to find the stupid things. So he grabbed his knapsack with all his adventure gear and fired up his old Pontiac.

As he drove down the frosty road at five in the morning, he saw that there was no sign of anybody around. Nobody on the sidewalks, empty shops, not even a beggar on the corner. A cold chill went down his back, this was turning into some creepy ass shit.

He searched for people for days, only finding whispers in the wind, no real words spoken anywhere he visited. He began to lose his mind. This was absolutely ludicrous.

Normally he’d hang out with the other crotchety old guy in town, rough-neck Peters. But even that old loon bin was seemingly gone forever. Without his best buddy to talk to Sanders got lonely and depressed. He began drinking. Sucking on a bottle of whiskey every night and waking up to tremors and a horrible headache. He was an absolute mess.

He lived this way for years. He didn’t even talk to himself anymore after a while, it just made him realize how alone he was. Until finally one day while he was drunk as hell and stumbling around his kitchen, he stubbed his toe and began yelling.

“Shit! Son-of-a-brachiosaurus! God damn gee whilickers!”

He passed out from the pain and woke up in a haze hours later. He didn’t even realize that his teeth had somehow reappeared and allowed him to talk normally again. Without somebody to talk to, it seemed whether he could talk or not was irrelevant.

 

 

Written for a writing prompt here. Irrelevant

 

Joe Lightning – Episode Two

2.

 

The El Camino pulled into the garage next to the shitty old mobile home, which rested on a large plot of farmland. Joe hit a button on the dash and the floor lowered into the ground, dropping into a large warehouse. It was mostly empty, except for a couple racks lined with weapons and combat gear and there were a couple shipping containers in the back corner. There was complex looking computer terminal in the middle of the gigantic space.

Joe slapped the look of awe off of Aaron’s face.

They got out of the car and made their way to the chairs by the computer terminal.

Joe spread his arms in front of the computer. “This is Robobrain. It’s an artificial intelligence that has telepathic abilities. It can sense when monsters are thinking about hurting somebody. I use it to hunt them down. And I use this hideout and a fake name to keep off of their radar. Speaking of which, we’re going to have to come up with a new name for you.”

Aaron smiled like an idiot as he tried to think of the coolest name that he could.

Joe cut him off before he could get one. “We’ll call you Blue Shield.”

“That sounds sweet!”

Joe had to slap the look off of Aaron’s face again.

Suddenly an alert went off on the computer. The screen showed a location on a map, as well as information on the type of monster it was tracking.

“God damn horse pythons,” Joe grumbled. “They’re at the mall, we better get moving.”

The forty-year-old well-experienced monster hunter and his twenty-something apprentice got back into the el Camino and made their way back up the car elevator. The bright red car peeled out and did a sick wheelie as it took off into the distance.

 

*

 

They parked the car outside the front doors of the mall and went in. There were what looked like stone statues of people all over the place.

“Don’t look in their eyes or you’ll turn into one of those,” Joe said.

Blue Shield nodded.

“They’re going to be at the fried food kitchen. Those things love fried pickles so much that they’d kill just to get ahold of them. Follow me.”

Joe lightning and Blue Shield made their way through the maze of frozen statue people. As they made their way around a corner, they heard the clacks of hoofs on the ground. They crouched down and walked low. When they reached the location the noise came from, they were met with one of the beasts. A lumbering sturdy horse body with three python’s attached at the neck.

The python heads detected movement and glared at Joe and Blue Shield. It tried to lure them in with its sonic powers, a humming noise pulsing from its eyes.

Joe lowered his head and charged, bringing his hands up in front of him. Thin red lightning bolts flew out from his hands and shocked the creature. Death was instantaneous for the creature as the electricity exploded its heart.

Joe turned to face Blue Shield. “That was just the minion. It hangs back as a guard. When we get up close to the alpha we’re going to need that shield up. This one can shoot lasers from its eyes.”

Blue Shield’s jaw dropped. Joe brought his hand up for a slap so he shut it fast.

They made their way to the food court. The blue and white orb formed around them as they approached the eight-foot tall monstrosity that stood by the fried food parlor.

“The only way to reverse the statue effect is to kill the alpha. Drop your shield in five seconds.”

Blue shield was still young and curious though, and the things power had more of a draw on him than the seasoned hunter. He could hear Joe’s voice but all he could focus on was wanting to have a look at the monster. His eyes pulled closer and closer to the gaze of the horse python, until pupil met pupil and Blue Shield was frozen in place. His shield locked Joe inside.

Joe stared at the stone statue in awe. He was trapped here permanently. He began to pace.

“No no no….” He mumbled.

The horse python lost interest and began chowing down on the fried food again.

“Hole-eee shit” Joe muttered. “Fucking shit. No. I mean holy shit no. I’ll starve. I’ll run out of water. Oh god we’re fucked.”

He pulled a smoke out of his blue denim jacket and lit it, taking huge friggan puffs of smoke off of the thing.

He cried.

He prayed to god.

His mind deteriorated under the stress as he frantically pulled at his hair and talked to himself.

The horse python took a huge gulp of food. It began huffing and puffing as it choked on the giant piece of fried pork. Joe saw this and instantly stopped talking. He wiped the sweat off his forehead and took a big breath. The monster finally lost consciousness from lack of air and then died.

The statue of Blue Shield, as well as the surrounding people of the mall, returned to flesh all at once.

Blue Shield stared at Joe’s stone grey face, the look of a man who’d just seen a ghost.

“Wow, what happened? Are you okay?”

“Nothing. You froze. Thing choked. Let’s go home.” Joe said rather fast.

“But-”

“I said let’s go. You want a ride, I’m leaving now.”

Joe turned on the heels of his black cowboy boots and practically ran to the car, where he promptly puked beside the trunk. He jumped in the driver seat. When Blue Shield got in the car and opened his mouth Joe shushed him and started the car up. He hit the accelerator and they were off. Ready for a new adventure.

Well kind of, Joe had to go for therapy for months after this little incident. He was pretty fucked up over it.

Joe Lightning – Episode One

1.

 

Aaron walked through the back alley of downtown New York, unaware of the guy that was hiding and waiting to jump out at him. What a surprise when the dude jumped out from behind a garbage bin and drew a gun.

“Get your wallet out, slow.” The man said.

“Wow, oh man okay. Here.” Aaron slid out his wallet and went to hand it to the man.

“On the ground, don’t put that near me!” The man yelled.

Aaron tossed the wallet onto the ground.

The man fired five shots into the wallet. It began fuzzing and sizzling at the bullet entry points. Then the thing was glowing bright purple and green, waving in their vision like a mirage, and then finally shrinking into non-existence.

“Class three ooga-booga monster.” The man said.

“What the… Who are you?” Aaron asked.

“Joe Lightning, monster hunter. Looks like I got here just in time, that thing was about to bite your buttcheeks off.”

“Monsters ate my brother when I was a kid, I have a lot of angst about them. I want to be a monster hunter too!” Aaron exclaimed.

Joe scratched his chin and looked Aaron up and down. Finally, he said, “It’s a dangerous job. The streets are littered with freaky things, and without somebody to clean it up, those things take over the city. I’ve been thinking, it would ease my mind to have a partner to cover me when I’m chasing down the slime. You look rough and tumble enough. Can you shoot a gun? Do you have any special talents?”

“I can’t shoot but I’m good with a slingshot. And I can make force fields.”

“You’re shitting me, right?

Aaron laughed and brought his hands up in fists in front of himself. A crackling blue and white orb formed, twelve feet in diameter, surrounding the two of them.

“Why didn’t you just use that when I pointed the gun at you?” Joe asked.

“I can only make it exactly twelve feet in diameter. You were too close.”

Aaron relaxed his hands and the orb disappeared.

“Well if you think you have what it takes, then follow me.” Joe turned and began walking out of the alley. Aaron ran after him, shouting at Joe as he got into the red el Camino. “My names Aaron by the way!” He hopped into the passenger seat as the engine roared to life.

Atonement

“Let it struggle just a little bit more,” Tom said.

The creature wiggled and squirmed in the shallow pool of water. It looked somewhat like a giant pink caterpillar with eight bulbous arms. Lying upside down, the mouth of the creature was on the bottom of the head, lined with dozens of razor-sharp teeth.

“Tom, I think that’s enough,” Judith said, almost whispering.

“Remember what the people said?” Tom asked.

“When I’m high, I believe you. When I’m not I question how any of this is real. Look at it, it’s dying.”

“Look, Judith, they laughed at me every day to my face. I’m tired of being on the fence. Besides, all my friends always lie to me. When I wake up I’m afraid somebody else might take my place. No, I won’t have it. Let it struggle just a little bit more.”

The creature sputtered, water squirting from its mouth. A crack appeared on the hard carapace of its belly, spreading from the middle to each end of the thing. A soft blue light seeped from the crack, appearing almost like smoke as it shimmered and floated away from the caterpillar thing. A ruby colored diamond pushed its way through the blue light, radiating heat that could be felt from a few feet away.

“Look!” Tom exclaimed.

“Looks like you were right again,” Judith said, her pupils growing despite looking directly at the light.

The diamond ejected from the carapace and flew at Judith’s chest. Blood and bone erupted from the point where it met her chest as it dug inside of her body. Judith Screamed.

“No, damn you. It’s supposed to be mine!” Tom yelled, reaching for the ruby colored object as it disappeared under Judith’s skin. There was nothing to grasp, the flesh closed back over the wound.

Judith’s fell down to her hands and knees, her whole body trembling and shaking. She puked up blood and the contents of her stomach. Her eyes turned red. She gnashed her teeth and belted out an inhuman screech.

Tom knew it was too late, he began to run. Judith grabbed the pink creature out of the puddle and threw it at him. It hit him on the back and latched on with eight pincer-like claws. Tom fell down, screaming in agony. The thing was sucking him into the crack in the carapace, his body contorted into unnatural shapes as bones broke into thousands of pieces. Although Tom was a six foot something man, the creature took on no greater size. He was simply gone.

Judith walked over to the caterpillar thing and picked it up. She cradled it in her arms, cooing and stroking it on the back. She set it on her shoulder, where it dug into her flesh with the pincers. Their minds melded into one, the thing taking on her memories and fears and wants. Anything that was left of Judith was consumed until she was a creature herself.

The monstrosity began walking back towards the science facility where the caterpillar had been kept in captivity. It was heavily secured, but Judith had known all the passcodes. Years of seeing its brethren prodded and examined brought the closest thing to anger the caterpillar could feel. It did not know revenge, but still, the blood of science would spill tonight.