Joe Lightning – Episode 3

3.

 

Joe Lightning rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he flicked on the coffee pot in the giant underground warehouse. He played around on the fancy computer terminal for a few minutes. Then he walked over to the sleeping bag set out on the floor against the wall and gave it a swift kick.

“Get your ass out of bed,” Joe said to the lumpy figure of Blue Shield.

“It’s five in the morning, Joe. What the fuck?” Blue Shield’s whiny, groggy voice replied.

“Look, I’m not doing the flowery speech about discipline. You’re not the fuckin’ karate kid. We get up at five and we go to work. That’s it.” Joe gave the lump another swift kick.

Blue Shield got up and rubbed his sore leg. He limped over to the coffee machine and poured himself some coffee.

“This coffee sucks.”

Joe glared at Blue Shield but didn’t say anything.

“Your stupid car seat won’t adjust by the way. I was sitting way back like an idiot.”

“You’re moody today,” Joe said, not being the first time in the last week he’d uttered those words. “Still having the nightmares?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Joe stared at Blue Shield for a second, deciding whether to slap him or just drop it.

“Joe, let’s just go. What did you see on the Robobrain today?”

“Three Rubbernecks are planning a bank robbery. They’re sitting in a car outside of the bank.”

Blue Shield turned pale, then clenched his fists as his whole bald head turned red and his eyebrows sunk to a dark scowl.

“Hey, what’s the problem man?” Joe said.

“Rubbernecks…” Blue Shield practically snorted air out of his nose as he grew more and more agitated.

Joe stared at Blue Shield and nodded. “Bobby?”

Blue Shield’s eyes welled up with water and a snot bubble blew out his nose. “Bobby…”

“Alright, we’re going to need the bazooka. My lightning won’t work on them because they’re too insulated.” Joe frowned and considered Blue Shield for a second. “Look, why don’t you sit this one out. I can’t have you getting emotional on me when we’re kicking ass.”

Blue Shield shook his head. “Let’s murder them.”

 

*

 

The El Camino pulled up a block away from the bank. Joe grabbed the bazooka out of the trunk, only to have Blue Shield yank it out of Joe’s hand and began running towards the bank. Joe put his fingers up to his eyes and shook his head before trailing behind, he knew this would happen.

The Rubbernecks were inside the bank now, tall black shiny things with a human shape but no mouth or eyes. Their heads lolled down to the side with no solid parts in their necks.

Blue Shield walked in and aimed the bazooka at the Rubberneck nearest the door.

“Everybody down!” Blue Shield yelled.

The crowd in the bank dropped to the floor. The bazooka fired at one of the rubbernecks. The missile stuck to the Rubberneck’s chest without exploding. The Rubberneck grabbed its head with its hands and pulled backward, stretching out its neck. Then it released, sending its head flying in Blue Shields direction.

Blue Shield put up his force field before he was hit by the freakish head with the elongated neck. The two other Rubberneck’s began repeatedly slingshotting their own heads on the shield, but every time they struck it there was a thud and no reaction in the shield. The Rubberneck with the missile in its chest pulled back its head and released at one of the people in the bank. The person’s skull imploded inward, crushing so severely that it forced brain matter out of the backside of their head.

“No!” Screamed Blue Shield. He couldn’t drop the shield to help without having his own head bashed in.

The Rubbernecks killed like ten people in three seconds, their heads flashing back and forth rapidly.

Joe came running up behind Blue Shield just as the force field dropped. Blue Shield let out a battle-cry and charged at the Rubbernecks. He got within 5 feet of them and put the shield back up. Only two were caught inside with him, the missile chested Rubberneck was still free.

Joe fired his revolver at missile chest, garnering its attention, though the rounds just simply stuck to the surface of its skin. It returned blows with its shiny black head. Joe did backflips and stunts and stuff just to avoid being hit by the bombardment.

Blue Shield faced the two Rubbernecks inside the shield. He pulled his slingshot out of his jacket pocket. One of them charged at him. He jumped over the top of it and slung the slingshot string around its neck. He pulled the thing close to himself so that he had it in a headlock and then dropped the force field.

“Joe, electrocute my slingshot!” Blue Shield yelled.

Without thinking about it Joe shot red lightning out of his hands into the slingshot. The string went to a thousand degrees hot and started melting through the neck of the Rubberneck. In seconds the head flopped off and the body crumpled to the ground. The force field went back up around Blue Shield and the other untouched Rubberneck.

Joe bounded and leaped his way to the vault, luring the missile chested Rubberneck there. He went through the door, turned to the left, and jumped up to the ceiling, clinging onto a hanging light. The Rubberneck followed him, entered the vault, and looked around confused. Joe hopped down from the ceiling and ran out of the room, closing the vault door to just a crack. He fired lightning at the missile on the Rubbernecks chest. The missile exploded in great fashion, leaving nothing but a stinky burnt rubber smell.

Blue shield took a blow to the stomach from the shiny black head of the Rubberneck. He was winded but that did not seem to stop his attack. He got up to boxing distance with the monster and began sparring with the flapping head. A hook here, a flying noggin there, it was mayhem for both of them. Blue Shield punched so fricken hard once that the thing finally fell to the ground. He didn’t stop though, he kept beating and smashing the thing with his fists. It turned lumpy and quit moving after a few minutes.

Joe watched through the blue and white orb, made no effort to break up the savage expression of hate.

Finally, Blue Shield had enough. He let down his forcefield and walked away from the mess of rubber that lay on the floor. He looked at Joe and began explaining himself.

“Those things killed Bobby-”

“I get it, kid. You needed this.”

Blue Shield nodded.

Joe Slapped him. “Next time we do this together. Look at all these dead ass people.”

Joe Lightning – Episode Two

2.

 

The El Camino pulled into the garage next to the shitty old mobile home, which rested on a large plot of farmland. Joe hit a button on the dash and the floor lowered into the ground, dropping into a large warehouse. It was mostly empty, except for a couple racks lined with weapons and combat gear and there were a couple shipping containers in the back corner. There was complex looking computer terminal in the middle of the gigantic space.

Joe slapped the look of awe off of Aaron’s face.

They got out of the car and made their way to the chairs by the computer terminal.

Joe spread his arms in front of the computer. “This is Robobrain. It’s an artificial intelligence that has telepathic abilities. It can sense when monsters are thinking about hurting somebody. I use it to hunt them down. And I use this hideout and a fake name to keep off of their radar. Speaking of which, we’re going to have to come up with a new name for you.”

Aaron smiled like an idiot as he tried to think of the coolest name that he could.

Joe cut him off before he could get one. “We’ll call you Blue Shield.”

“That sounds sweet!”

Joe had to slap the look off of Aaron’s face again.

Suddenly an alert went off on the computer. The screen showed a location on a map, as well as information on the type of monster it was tracking.

“God damn horse pythons,” Joe grumbled. “They’re at the mall, we better get moving.”

The forty-year-old well-experienced monster hunter and his twenty-something apprentice got back into the el Camino and made their way back up the car elevator. The bright red car peeled out and did a sick wheelie as it took off into the distance.

 

*

 

They parked the car outside the front doors of the mall and went in. There were what looked like stone statues of people all over the place.

“Don’t look in their eyes or you’ll turn into one of those,” Joe said.

Blue Shield nodded.

“They’re going to be at the fried food kitchen. Those things love fried pickles so much that they’d kill just to get ahold of them. Follow me.”

Joe lightning and Blue Shield made their way through the maze of frozen statue people. As they made their way around a corner, they heard the clacks of hoofs on the ground. They crouched down and walked low. When they reached the location the noise came from, they were met with one of the beasts. A lumbering sturdy horse body with three python’s attached at the neck.

The python heads detected movement and glared at Joe and Blue Shield. It tried to lure them in with its sonic powers, a humming noise pulsing from its eyes.

Joe lowered his head and charged, bringing his hands up in front of him. Thin red lightning bolts flew out from his hands and shocked the creature. Death was instantaneous for the creature as the electricity exploded its heart.

Joe turned to face Blue Shield. “That was just the minion. It hangs back as a guard. When we get up close to the alpha we’re going to need that shield up. This one can shoot lasers from its eyes.”

Blue Shield’s jaw dropped. Joe brought his hand up for a slap so he shut it fast.

They made their way to the food court. The blue and white orb formed around them as they approached the eight-foot tall monstrosity that stood by the fried food parlor.

“The only way to reverse the statue effect is to kill the alpha. Drop your shield in five seconds.”

Blue shield was still young and curious though, and the things power had more of a draw on him than the seasoned hunter. He could hear Joe’s voice but all he could focus on was wanting to have a look at the monster. His eyes pulled closer and closer to the gaze of the horse python, until pupil met pupil and Blue Shield was frozen in place. His shield locked Joe inside.

Joe stared at the stone statue in awe. He was trapped here permanently. He began to pace.

“No no no….” He mumbled.

The horse python lost interest and began chowing down on the fried food again.

“Hole-eee shit” Joe muttered. “Fucking shit. No. I mean holy shit no. I’ll starve. I’ll run out of water. Oh god we’re fucked.”

He pulled a smoke out of his blue denim jacket and lit it, taking huge friggan puffs of smoke off of the thing.

He cried.

He prayed to god.

His mind deteriorated under the stress as he frantically pulled at his hair and talked to himself.

The horse python took a huge gulp of food. It began huffing and puffing as it choked on the giant piece of fried pork. Joe saw this and instantly stopped talking. He wiped the sweat off his forehead and took a big breath. The monster finally lost consciousness from lack of air and then died.

The statue of Blue Shield, as well as the surrounding people of the mall, returned to flesh all at once.

Blue Shield stared at Joe’s stone grey face, the look of a man who’d just seen a ghost.

“Wow, what happened? Are you okay?”

“Nothing. You froze. Thing choked. Let’s go home.” Joe said rather fast.

“But-”

“I said let’s go. You want a ride, I’m leaving now.”

Joe turned on the heels of his black cowboy boots and practically ran to the car, where he promptly puked beside the trunk. He jumped in the driver seat. When Blue Shield got in the car and opened his mouth Joe shushed him and started the car up. He hit the accelerator and they were off. Ready for a new adventure.

Well kind of, Joe had to go for therapy for months after this little incident. He was pretty fucked up over it.

Joe Lightning – Episode One

1.

 

Aaron walked through the back alley of downtown New York, unaware of the guy that was hiding and waiting to jump out at him. What a surprise when the dude jumped out from behind a garbage bin and drew a gun.

“Get your wallet out, slow.” The man said.

“Wow, oh man okay. Here.” Aaron slid out his wallet and went to hand it to the man.

“On the ground, don’t put that near me!” The man yelled.

Aaron tossed the wallet onto the ground.

The man fired five shots into the wallet. It began fuzzing and sizzling at the bullet entry points. Then the thing was glowing bright purple and green, waving in their vision like a mirage, and then finally shrinking into non-existence.

“Class three ooga-booga monster.” The man said.

“What the… Who are you?” Aaron asked.

“Joe Lightning, monster hunter. Looks like I got here just in time, that thing was about to bite your buttcheeks off.”

“Monsters ate my brother when I was a kid, I have a lot of angst about them. I want to be a monster hunter too!” Aaron exclaimed.

Joe scratched his chin and looked Aaron up and down. Finally, he said, “It’s a dangerous job. The streets are littered with freaky things, and without somebody to clean it up, those things take over the city. I’ve been thinking, it would ease my mind to have a partner to cover me when I’m chasing down the slime. You look rough and tumble enough. Can you shoot a gun? Do you have any special talents?”

“I can’t shoot but I’m good with a slingshot. And I can make force fields.”

“You’re shitting me, right?

Aaron laughed and brought his hands up in fists in front of himself. A crackling blue and white orb formed, twelve feet in diameter, surrounding the two of them.

“Why didn’t you just use that when I pointed the gun at you?” Joe asked.

“I can only make it exactly twelve feet in diameter. You were too close.”

Aaron relaxed his hands and the orb disappeared.

“Well if you think you have what it takes, then follow me.” Joe turned and began walking out of the alley. Aaron ran after him, shouting at Joe as he got into the red el Camino. “My names Aaron by the way!” He hopped into the passenger seat as the engine roared to life.